- Baudelaire parents died
- Violet, Klaus, and Sunny living with Count Olaf
- Olaf is a jerk who wants the kids money
- He tried to marry Violet, and now the kids need a new home because he's crazy
and now for
The Reptile Room
So, here we are. Violet, Klaus and Sunny are driving to their new home with Mr. Poe. They're driving along Lousy Lane, a road between a very muddy river and a horseradish factory. The horseradish stinks up the whole area, but the kids aren't living in the horseradish factory, although I wouldn't be surprised if they were, They're going to live with Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, their father (their dad that's dead, their father is dead... they have a dead father)'s cousin's wife's brother. His first name
and last name are the same because his parents have either a horrible or a great sense of humour, depending on how you see it.
They pull up to what is a nice house. But the best part is the garden which is full of topiary hedges shaped like snakes because Dr. Montgomery is a HERPETOLOGIST! So he has a ton of snakes in his house but shut up because we aren't supposed to know that yet.
The kids are creeped out by the snakes, which is stupid because they must be AWESOME.
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| I was going to put a picture of snake topiary here but I found this instead. |
Chapter 2
Everyone gathers around to eat some yummy coconut cream cake, except Poe because he's already too fat and Sunny because she doesn't like soft food, which Monty notices and says is weird for babies, but not for snakes!!! He tells us about a kind of snake that eats it's own mouth and then he gives Sunny a carrot.
Monty explains that he is a Snake studier, and tells the kids that when he goes around the world looking for snakes, he is going to bring the kids along with him!!!! PACK YOUR BAGS KIDS, WE'RE GOING TO PERU IN TEN DAYS!!!!!
If you haven't picked up by now, I really like Uncle Monty and will be putting a lot of exclamation points in his sections. Anyway, Monty's assistant Gustav mysterious quit a few days ago, but not to worry because he hired a new guy named Stephano starting next week.
But oh no, Monty isn't ready for Peru yet!! he still needs someone to check the traps are working, read about peru, and cut up some rope! Whatever shall he do? Conveniently, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny would be perfect for those jobs!! Poe leaves, and the kids get to see the reptile room!!!
Monty starts calling the kids Bambini, which is italian for children as we all know, because he felt like speaking Italian, just for kicks. Then he says he hopes Olaf gets torn up by wild animals because it would be satisfying. This is why I like Monty. That and his snakes!!
The kids are now in the reptile room, examining the snakes of all kinds all over the room. It's a huge room with glass walls and floor, and hundreds of reptiles, like a toad with wings and a snake with three mouths. At the end of the room are huge bookshelves taking up the whole back wall.
"Starting first thing tomorrow morning, all of you must be in here every day in preparation for the expedition to Peru. I will clear one of these tables for you, Violet, to work on traps. Klaus, I expect you to read all the books on Peru I have and take careful notes. And Sunny can sit on the floor and bite rope. We will work all day until suppertime, and after that we will go to the movies."This is why I love Uncle Monty.
The kids are about to go and pick rooms, when Klaus asks what is in the cage under the cloth. Monty pulls off the cloth with a flourish to reveal a new snake Monty had discovered, never seen before. Monty calls it the Incredibly Deadly Viper. The IDV unhooks his cage door just like that and bites Sunny.
Chapter 3
Chapter 3 starts with a foray into the life of Snicket. He is going to a party, hosted by his firend, Madame diLustro. Unfortunately, that's all we learn, but then it's back to the Incredible Deadly Viper on Sunny's chin.
Snicket tells us straight up that Sunny doesn't die, but Monty will, just not yet. This is all very sad because Monty is cool.
Anyway, Monty has an awesome sense of humour, because the other two start freaking out about the snake biting their baby sister, and he just goes "Oh yeah, BTW it's actually not poisonous, and it's really friendly. I just named it that for kicks."
Sunny bites it back and I mentally high five Uncle Monty.
You see, everyone at the snake convention makes fun of Monty's name, so this year he'll present the new specimen, 'accidently' let it escape, and then laugh as everyone freaks out. This is why I love Monty.
He tells us he DOES have some dangerous snakes, like the snakes that drive so recklessly they wouldn't even apologize after running you over. But they're all locked up tight.
Snicket tells us about dramatic irony, using the example that if you loudly said "I can't wait to eat the meal I ordered" and everyone around knew that the meal was poisoned except for you, it would be dramatic irony. Monty had dramatic irony now, saying that if you know what you're doing, no harm will come to you in the reptile room. So now, as Monty says this, we should have a feeling like we were in bed and the cupboard door creaked open.... to reveal that a person was hiding in there. Snicket will give me nightmares, I swear.
Anyway, he says once again the Monty will die soon and I'm sad.
So everyone has their own bedrooms and are happy, and Sunny gets to play with the IDV all the time.
Monty tells them about all kinds of reptiles, my favourite of which is the toad that imitates what people say in a gravelly voice, since it reminds be of a certain toy...
Also they aren't allowed to let Virginian Wolfsnakes near typewriters. I wish they would.
One morning, Uncle Monty is out buying fireproof canoes because he's awesome, and leaves a note saying Stephano, the assitant we all remember, will be arriving today. Everyone hopes that the assistant will be nice like Monty, but when he shows up, it turns out to be... COUNT OLAF DRESSED AS A NEW ASSISTANT WITH A BEARD AND NO EYEBROWS!!!
And that is where the chapter ends.
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