Now, when I was a young child going to primary school, I loved reading the Series of Unfortunate Events. I read the whole thing and loved it. Saw the movie, have the game based on the movie, everything. Then I finished the series and totally forgot about it.
Until now. Years later, while conversing with a good friend of mine who had also once enjoyed the series, we realized that neither of us could really remember any of it making sense, or if any of the plotlines were ever resolved. So I decided I would re-read the series and explain it all to her. And now, here we are. I'm aware that the series is aimed at a much younger age group then bored 16-17 year olds, but the convoluted plots can be enjoyably confusing to all. If you haven't read the series, you can still read these because I will be explaining everything on here so as to better understand the plot.
I decided my explanation should take the form of a blog after reading and greatly enjoying a blog doing the same thing which I am doing now about the Twilight series, which was a hilarious read (The blog, not the books), as well as by my other good friend Leslie, who also writes a blog.
So I don't know quite how well this is going to work. There are 13 books in the series, and there are 13 chapters in each book. The books are too long to do the whole thing in one post, but the chapters are too short to go one at a time, so I'm going to blog them each in 4 parts, starting, obviously, at the beginning.
The Bad Beginning
This is my beautiful book. It includes the first 3 books in the series, and it what I shall be reading from for these first blogs. It is 214 pages of ridiculously large print. But of course, right now I only need to worry about the first 162 pages.
Chapter 1
Of course, like all good books, the author, Lemony Snicket, begins by telling us that this is a horrible series and to not read it ever because everyone dies, or something to that effect.
He introduces us our protagonists, Violet, Klaus and Sunny, at the beach one morning. First thing we learn is that their lives suck, second thing is that they like to go to the beach on rainy days. They're also very rich and live in a mansion - remember that, it'll be important.
Snicket has a habit of using words and then explaining to us what they mean, so I'm just going to include his definitions in these blogs, starting with the word he uses to describe a cart the children like to use:
Rickety: here means "unsteady" or "likely to collapse"
We learn that the Baudelaire (that's their last name) children like to take the rickety cart to the beach when it's cloudy because there's no one else at the beach. It is on one of these cloudy beach days that we meet the children.
The oldest of the three is VIOLET. Violet is 14, right handed, and likes to invent things. We know when she is thinking of inventions because she ties her hair back with a ribbon.
The middle child is KLAUS. Klaus is 12, wears glasses, and is smart. Very smart. He reads a lot of books. Klaus loves to read books. Thanks to his book reading habit, he knows all kinds of obscure stuff that will no doubt come in handy later in the series, as will Violet's inventing.
The youngest child is SUNNY. Sunny is an infant the size of a boot. Sunny likes to bite, even though she only has 4 teeth. Due to being a baby, she doesn't speak much, and when she does, it's mainly gibberish. Here, she is saying "Gack", which Snicket informs us probably means "Look at that mysterious figure emerging from the fog!"
Sunny is screaming at this strange man for a good few minutes before Klaus notices, and it takes him tapping Violet on the shoulder for her to notice the repeated cries of her infant sister. Sunny is unusually smart for a baby, which I assume is why their parents let her easily distracted 14- and 12-year-old siblings take her to an empty beach full of sharp objects and water to drown in. Even so, it seems like almost criminal negligence of the part of the parents in this family.
Anywho, on the subject of this figure Sunny is crying about. We know it must be bad news because he is coming out of the fog, which never happens in good news situations. The children, having finally noticed their sister's screams, stand and watch the figure approach. We soon learn that Klaus and Violet actually aren't that smart. We are told the figure looks like an adult, and then the following conversation takes place:
"What do you think it is?" Violet asked.
"I don't know,"Klaus said... "But it seems to be moving right toward us"Now, I know that there don't tend to be many people on the beach when it's rainy, but when it looks like an adult and is moving, it's probably an adult, as opposed to a sentient adult shaped rock or something. Violet considers throwing a rock at this strange figure, when it draws a it closer and they realize that it is their parents friend, Mr. Poe. They all remember Mr. Poe because he constantly has coughing fits.
Everyone makes small talk for a little as the kids wonder what Mr. Poe is doing out of the Bank where he works. Finally, Mr. Poe breaks the awkwardness and tells them that their house burnt down and their parents are dead.
Violet's response is ponder his calling them "my dears", while Klaus' is to regret not reading all the books in their library.
Mr. Poe, seemingly thrown off by the lack of response tells them that when he said "your parents have perished in a terrible fire", the word 'perished' meant 'killed'. This annoys me, as perished really means died. You wouldn't say "your parent killed in a terrible fire" because suddenly, rather than tragic victims, the parents have become murderers, which is a totally different situation.
Poe eventually tells the kids that When Violet comes of age she'll inherit their enormous fortune. Until then, Poe is in charge of it, as well as in charge of deciding where the kids will go. Everyone joins hands, including Sunny who can walk, apparently, and leave the beach.
Chapter 2
The kids are depressed, obviously, at losing their parents, house, and all their possessions. They sit around, barely getting out of bed, and not doing any of their special skills. Even Sunny bites sadly.The kids are at the Poe's house, which they hate because they have to wear itchy, ugly clothes and the Poe children are brats. Also it smells weird.
We get a new vocab word when Snicket tells us that Mrs. Poe boils everything, unless it's
Blanched: here means "boiled"
Mr. Poe informs everyone that he found a place for the Baudelaires to go, Yay! It's the home of their 3rd cousin four time removed, or their 4th cousin three times removed, and his name is COUNT OLAF.
We know that we don't like him because his name is evil sounding. What do we think when we think of a count?
It doesn't bring up good images.
Count Olaf is the only relative who lives in the city. He's a count and an actor. Since the only thing they seem to do is go to the beach on rainy days, and from memory the only time they go to school is in the 5th book, I don't see why they have to stay in the city. Poe tells us it's because it's convenient, but I really don't see how. Also, one would assume that they would want to leave the city as it would be bringing up memories of their now dead parents. But at any rate, the children go an pack their stuff to go, on they would if all their stuff hadn't been destroyed in the fire. In the morning, the Baudelaires get ready to leave.
Briskly: here means "quickly so as to get the Baudelaires to leave the house"
On their way, I become really curious about this town, because we are told that there is a street, Doldrum Drive, with both horse drawn carriages and motorcyles, and suddenly I don't want to read about the Baudelaires, I want to read a story about the people of doldrum drive, and the feud that I'm sure exists between the odd numbers who have motorcyles and the even numbers who had horses, and of course we can't ignore the daughter of number 1 Doldrum Drive, who was married off to the son of number 2, in an attempt made to bring a truce between the warring sides. I want to read about the mounting tension between the two sides of the street until it explodes into full blown fighting between the two after a biker child scares a horse and causes a rampage. I want to read about when the two sides have to put aside their differences and work together against the semitrailers of the next street over. But instead, I'm following the Baudelaires, who had arrived and Olaf's house.
They get really excited when they see a charming house with flowers and a nice lady on the front steps. Everyone introduces themselves, including the kind lady named Justice Strauss. Klaus comments on the strangeness of the name Justice, but really, there are people named Hope, or Apple, or Petal Blossom Rainbow. It doesn't matter though, because Justice is just her title, because she works in Law.
Then, the hopes of the Baudelaires for a nice life come crashing down when Justice tells them that Count Olaf lives next door, in the house that looks like it just walked out of a nightmare before christmas. Also, if that doesn't suck enough, there's a giant eye painted in the middle of the door.
And now, we're treated to more Sunny-cabulary, which is what I'm calling Sunny's words, and will also be listing in these blogs.
Oh!: What a terrible place! I don't want to live there at all!
Next thing we know, we're meeting our antagonist, Count Olaf. Olaf is very tall, very thin, very dirty, and has a monobrow. his house looks like it has never been cleaned, as do his clothes, which right now are a grey suit. Count Olaf gets upset upon discovering that the money the children inherited is not to be used, and looks like he might hit Poe. Clearly, this will not be a nice place to live.
Poe leaves and the children to with Olaf to see their room.
They also notice that Olaf doesn't wear socks with his shoes, and has an eye matching to one on the door tattooed onto his ankle, and the chapter ends.
Chapter 3
First impressions can often be wrong, says Snicket. Except this time, they aren't and Olaf is a horrible and disgusting person.The bedroom is tiny and only has one uncomfortable, lumpy bed for all three of them. Sunny sleeps in a pile of curtains, and the other two take turns on the bed. The closet was an old box, and instead of toys there was a pile of rocks. Also, there was the eye again on the wall.
Count Olaf would go out all day and leave a list of chores for the children to do in the kitchen. The house had a turret because Olaf is a creep and the children were not allowed in.
The chores are mostly housework, until one day when it told them to cook dinner for ten. Since no one can cook, the children don't know what to do so they complain for a little. Violet tells us she thinks cleaning the chimney is interesting, which isn't important to the story but I thought i'd mention because it's weird. The complaining is annoying to read, but it's warranted so I'm putting up with it.
The kids decide to look for a cookbook. There aren't any. Then, there's a known on the door, which is confusing, since all the kids friends have fallen to the wayside: here meaning "had stopped calling, writing, and stopping by to see any of the Baudelaires, making them very lonely."
They answer the door and it's Justice! Yay! She apologises for not coming over sooner but she was very busy, being a Justice and all. Klaus wants to know all about it. She can't discuss it but it has something to do with poison and credit cards, which creates another story I want to read about.
Yeeka!: Screams Sunny, meaning "How interesting!"
Justice invites the kids over to find a cookbook, and they love her house, especially Klaus 'cause she has a giant library. I wish I had a giant library.
She keeps her cookbooks on the 'east wall' which is very pretentious when she could just say left or right. Violet wants books about mechanical engineering because she likes inventing and Klaus wants books about wolves because why not?
Book!: which means "Please don't forget to pick out a picture book for me!"
They find a recipe for spaghetti sauce and decide to make it, and the chapter ends.
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